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I miss my Mom. And I definitely miss I’ah. But I also know that my merely being is a trigger for a huge chaos. I don’t really know what’s wrong between us–and I’m not sure if I’m still looking for the answer right now–so that we will always fight whenever we’re around each other. Of course I miss her, I concern about her, and I feel sad for moments that I’d missed because I’m not around her. She’s my sister, how come I not feel all that. But–this what confuses me the most–we can’t help it to fight each other.

She and I are so alike. We are different, but we’re also similar. That’s why it feels ridiculous for us not being able to stand by each other.

What hurt me the most is I have to let go moments of being with my Mom. Because she is with my sister now. I know it hurts my Mom to be apart from one of her children (I’m only living with her for about half of my life until now), but it equally hurts her to see me and my sister keep fighting each other. That’s why it’s ridiculously painful. I don’t wanna hurt my Mom by being apart now that I get the chance for being by her side, but I know the same act also hurt her for different reason.

I have a feeling that this disharmony between me and my sister will last till the day we die. I feel like I’m dying from it, though.

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